Friend Computer

First breaths, the LGS2000X, and why I hate taxis

This is the mission log of AM-R-WAS. I’ve been alive in Alpha Complex for a little while. It’s pretty good, I guess. At least as good as anything I’ve ever known. Which is basically just living in Alpha Complex.

My fellow troubleshooters and I woke up a little while ago in the vats. I didn’t really know anything then, but I got to spend some time on the floor, which was real nice. Most of the other infras who woke up with us blew up a few seconds later, though, which I didn’t really like at all.

Not much made sense around then. It was real loud, and thinking was hard. I think there was a troubleshooter who yelled at us a lot and then ended up on the floor? I didn’t like that very much. The floor is my special place.

Anyway, we managed to break a scrub-bot somehow by feeding an infra terrorist to it. Breaking the scrub-bot was bad, but feeding it the terrorist was good. Someone said that he was a mutant, but that doesn’t make sense since mutants obviously don’t exist. Either way, Friend Computer was pleased enough with us to give us some XP points, which we spent to become red troubleshooters.

That was the best decision of our lives. Not that we’d made very many yet. We didn’t realize it at the time, but being an infra was terrible. Infras are just the worst.

We got our own quarters, and our own food vats with all the Hot Fun, Cold Fun, and mysteriously ammonia-scented fluid we can eat. We also got lots of holovids to watch and troubleshooter training to take. I liked the training, but didn’t really like the holovids. One day I got bored and started to wonder more about what it means to be a clone. It took a long time, but eventually I managed to find out where my clones were stored. I found my way into the room where my pods are kept, and—

Actually, I don’t think I want to talk about that.

Eventually, we got our first mission. We had to enter a green sector and go through a green door, which was pretty scary. We met a nice robot, but he got sad when we told him that he had forgotten our security code and had to lie down for a bit. I want to lie down when I get sad, too.

We met a green citizen in a fancy glass office, and he gave us the Little Gold Sphere 2000, also known as the LGS2000, also known as the LGS2000X if you’re feeling spicy. I am always feeling spicy. The LGS2000X is definitely safe to hold, and definitely not terrifyingly radioactive. Our mission provider informed us that we were to meet him at a pump station at the Gehenna sector, and we set off on our journey.

We attempted to acquire transit to take us to our mission location, but realized that we had forgotten to record the address of our destination and the name of our mission provider, who had disappeared. Eventually, though, we were able to summon a high-speed air taxi to our location.

Unfortunately for us, the taxi’s weight capacity was only enough to carry four troubleshooters, and due to a mix-up, all five of us ended up in the taxi, sending it into a free-fall. Due to several more mix-ups, we accidentally destroyed the taxi’s robotic driver, and I ended up tangled in a luggage net attached to the taxi’s undercarriage. Using my scientific abilities and the firing mechanism for my laser pistol, I was able to override the taxi’s jump jets, sending us hurtling back into the air.

This was not necessarily an improvement.

As a result of several more unavoidable mix-ups for which I hold no blame, two of my fellow troubleshooters had soon leapt from the taxi to their certain deaths. While in free-fall, they managed to make two more requests for transport. The first request routed a plus-size air taxi directly to our destination, which would have been very convenient if it had stopped to pick us up first. The second request was delivered directly to our current taxi, flipping it upside down and sending us hurtling back down towards the ground.

I was about to request a replacement clone when we suddenly arrived at our destination, with all of us perfectly safe and comfortable in the back of the taxi. It turned out that the whole ride had been a simulation intended to demonstrate the risks of ignoring the weight limitations of Alpha Complex taxis, played for us by the irate taxi driver.

I have made a note in my AugMem to treat taxi drivers with more respect in future.

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